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WhenWeTalkAboutPrivacy
byRuthSuliUrman
Whenwetalkaboutprivacyissueswithteenagers,whatarewereallytalkingabout?Mostimportantly,trust.It’sonlynaturalforadolescentsgrowingintotheirteenyears,towantsomeprivacy,somealonetime,wheretheycanthinkaboutwhotheyarebecoming,whotheywanttobeandperhaps,justtorelaxandbeoutofearshotoftherestoftheworld.Teens,likeadults,workhardtoo.Andwhenweconsiderhowmuchsocializingtheyareforcedtodo,whentheyattendschoolallday,sometimestheyjustwanttocomehome,gointotheirroom,closethedoorandjustlistentothemusicoftheirchoice.Asadults,ithelpstoremembernottotakethesethingspersonally.
Wealsoneedtorememberthatteenagerscanexperience"bad"days,too.Ingivingthemthespacetobeirritableorsad,withoutdemandingthattheyputonacheerfulfaceandfaçade-aswecertainlycan’texpectanythingfromthemthatwedon’texpectfromourselves!-wearehonoringtheirfeelings,aswehonorourownfeelings.
Keepingjournals,havingprivateconversationswiththeirfriendsonthephone,andwantingsomealonetimeisateen’swayofbecomingwhotheyare.Theyareslippingintotheirbodies,theirminds,andtheirdistinctindividualities.Ithelpstorememberwhatitwasliketobeateen:thewritingwemaynothavewantedtoshowourparents,theconversationswithfriendsabout"crushes,"thetimesthatwewantedtolistentoTheBeatleswhenourparentsonlywantedtohearclassicalmusic.
Itishelpfultothinkabouthowwewanttobetreated,asanadult.Remember:respectisearned,nottakenforgranted.Inordertoexpectourteenagerstoberespectfulofus,wemustbetheirteachersandtheirguides,sothattheycanmirrorourbehavior.Theywillgiveusbackwhatwearegivingthem,evenwithoutconsciouslythinkingaboutit.Whathappensifthey"hole"themselvesupandweneverseetheirlovelyfaces?Asabeginning,inbalancingtheiralonetime,wecanreachoutandmakethetimetogatherthefamilytogether,suchasmealtimes,tocreatecommunication.Thiswayourchildrendon’tenduplivingtheirlivesbehindclosedbedroomdoors(wherewemissoutontheirchildhoodyears).
Comingtogetherasafamilyisimportant,too.Thereisanimmensefeelingofsatisfactionknowingthatwearenotstrangerstoourchildren,andtheyarenotstrangerstous.Ifthereisanyconcernaboutwhattheyaredoingwhenyouarenotwiththem,findagoodtimeandplacewheretheyarecomfortable(andyouarefeelingrelaxedabouttalking)andtellthemaboutyourconcerns.Lifeisaseriesofbalances,andintheinstanceofprivacy,wecanbalancethattoo.Letthemknowinalovingwayhowmuchyoucareandperhapsshareoneofyourownteenagestories.
Inteachingthemtobalancetheirprivacyneeds,thereisnothingwrongwithaskingthemquestionsaboutwheretheyaregoing,andexpectingthemtohonorourhouserulesaboutcurfew,etc.Wearestilltheparentsandifwedecideweneedmoreinformationabouttheirfriends,byallmeans,takenotesonwheretheyareheadedoffto,orbetteryet,offertobeapartoftheirlives,asmuchastheyarewillingtoletyouin:personallymeettheirfriends’parents;becomeactiveintheirschool.It’sagreatwaytofindoutabouttheirfriendships-whichareinvaluabletoteens,andtofosteracloserelationshipwithourteenagers-especiallyifwecomefromaplaceofloveandcaringandnotfromasenseofsnoopingorspying.